All I do is grunt and groan
Hurts me to walk anywhere
Went to see my physician, Dr. Jones
He took my trousers off, told me to cough
Doctor says there ain't nothin' to discuss
He tells me any day I might have to wear a truss

Living with a hernia
All the time, such aggravation
Living with a hernia
Gonna be my ruination
Living with a hernia
Got to have an operation
Feel so old

Too much bad pain
Good gawd, drives me insane
Can't run, barely crawl
Got a bulge in my intestinal wall
Walk real funny, bless my soul
Can't play tennis and it's hard to bowl
You can't even do the splits now...Better call it quits now
I'm sick of all this dancin' anyhow

Living with a hernia
Hurts me bad in a tender location
Living with a hernia
Had enough humiliation
Living with a hernia
Got to have an operation

I live with a hernia
Can't get up, can't bend over
Now I live with a hernia
Wait a minute...
You may not be familiar with the common types
Of hernias that you could get
So just settle down, let me clue you in
There's incomplete
Epigastric
Bladder
Strangulated
Lumbar hernia
Richter's hernia
Obstructed
Inguinal and Direct

Living with a hernia...Rupture!
I said it's causin' me such irritation
Living with a hernia
Have to have my medication
Living with a hernia
I feel bad!

 

"Dog Eat Dog"
written by 'Weird Al' Yankovic

Found a job in a great big office
And I really love this place
I got my very own Scotch tape dispenser
And I got a private parking space...ha!

And I got a coffee mug with my name right on it
In big bold letters so everyone knows it's mine
Don't even touch it, 'cause it doesn't belong to you
I'm watching you, so don't get funny

I'm climbing up, up the corporate ladder
Watch out...It's dog eat dog
Nose against the grindstone, it feels all right
Watch out...Well, it's dog eat dog
Here we go

I love to watch my boss get angry
So I can count the veins on his neck...ha!
Every day is like a picnic
Every Friday, get a check

Well, do I smell jelly donuts?  This is my lucky day!
I'll have some coffee with a carcinogenic sweetener
Hold on a minute, just one more jelly donut
They'll never miss it...No, they'll never miss it!

I'm climbing up, up the corporate ladder
Watch out...Well, it's dog eat dog
Nose against the grindstone, it feels all right
Watch out...Hey! Well, it's dog eat dog

Sometimes I can't believe this is all really happening
Sometimes I can't believe that I'm really sitting here
Sometimes I tell myself, "This is not my beautiful stapler!"
Sometimes I tell myself, "This is not my beautiful chair!"

Nobody's sure what I do here
And that's just fine with me
Five o'clock is here much too soon now
'Cause I just never wanna leave

I can bend paper clips into the shapes of small animals
Maybe I could get on David Letterman
I think I made a big mistake
Where's my liquid paper? Where's my liquid paper?

I'm climbing up, way up the corporate ladder now
Watch out...Well, it's dog eat dog
Nose against the grindstone, it feels all right
Better be careful now, it's dog eat dog
Watch me work...Hey! Hey! Stand back now!
Look out, mama, it's dog eat dog
Nose against the grindstone, it feels real good!
Hey! Dog eat dog

 

"Addicted to Spuds"
written by 'Weird Al' Yankovic

Potato skins, potato cakes
Hash browns and instant flakes
Baked or boiled or French fried
There's no kind you haven't tried
You planned a trip to Idaho
Just to watch potatoes grow
I understand how you must feel
I can't deny they've got a peel

Wo, you like 'em whether they're plain or they're stuffed, oh yeah
Better face the facts, it seems you can't get enough
You know, you're gonna have to face it, you're addicted to spuds

Your greasy hands, your salty lips
Looks like you found the chips
Your belly aches, your teeth grind
Some tater tots would blow your mind
And you don't mind if they're not cooked
You need your fix, I guess you're hooked
And late at night you always dream
Of bacon bits and sour cream

Wo, you like 'em even if they're lumpy or tough, oh yeah
It's pretty obvious to me you can't get enough
You know you're gonna have to face it, you're addicted to spuds

Might as well face it, you're addicted to spuds
Might as well face it, you're addicted to spuds
Might as well face it, you're addicted to spuds
Might as well face it, you're addicted to spuds
Might as well face it, you're addicted to spuds

I'm giving up, it's just no use
Another case of spud abuse
What can I say, what can I do
Potato bug has got me, too

Wo, I used to hate 'em, now they're all that I eat, oh yeah
I've often seen 'em whipped, but they just can't be beat
Now I'm gonna have to face it, I'm addicted to spuds

 

One of Those Days
by 'Weird Al' Yankovic

Got to work late 'cause my alarm was busted
The boss chewed me out and everybody's disgusted
'Cause it's just one of those days
It's just one of those days

I lost one of my socks in the drier
I can't find my wallet and my hair is on fire
Just one of those days
It's just one of those days

I just wrapped my Cadillac around a tree
A big swarm of locusts is following me
There's not even anything good on TV
It's just one of those days
It's just one of those days

Left all my Beatles records out in the sun
Got a Coke bottle stuck on the end of my tongue
It's just one of those days
Gonna be one of those days

The Nazis tied me up and covered me with ants
And I spilled toxic waste on my brand new pants
Just one of those days
Ever have one of those days?

The bank called me up and told me I'm overdrawn
Some freaks are burnin' crosses out on my front lawn
And I can't believe it, all the Cheetos are gone!
It just...just one of those, one of those days
Just one of those, one of those days

The F.B.I. has got a tap on my phone
Those darn Russian spies won't leave me alone
Shouldn't have got up this morning, shoulda known
It's just one of those days
It's just one of those days

A 747 crashed into my den
And there's nothin' but tater tots for dinner again
It's just one of those days
Never mind, it's just one of those days

Big steamroller just ran over my mom
And I cut myself shaving and they're dropping the bomb
It's just one of those days
That's all, it's just one of those days

Then late at night, just before I go to bed
The world blows up and now everybody's dead
You just can't deny it, it's just like I said
Just...just one of those, one of those days
Just one of those days, one of those days

Polka Party

[Sledgehammer/Peter Gabriel]
You could have a big-dipper,
Going up and down all around the bends,
You can have bumper-cars, bumping.
This amusement never ends.
I want to be... your sledgehammer.
I can be your friend.
I want to be your sledgehammer.
This can be your testimony, yeah.

[Sussudio/Phil Collins]
There's a girl that's been on my mind,
All the time, Su-su-sussudio.
Oh yeah!
Now she doesn't even know my name.
But I think she loves me all the same,
Su-sussudio.

[Party All the Time/Eddie Murphy]
And my girl wants to
Party all the time, party all the time, party all the time.
My girl want to party all the time, party all the time.
(She parties all the time.)

[Say You, Say Me/Lionel Richie]
Say you, say me,
Say it for always,
That's the way it should be.
Say you, say me,
Say it together,
Naturally.

[Freeway of Love/Aretha Franklin]]
We're going riding on the freeway of love
   (wind's against our back)
We're going riding on the freeway of love
   (in a pink Cadillac).

[What You Need/INXS]
That's why,
You need.
That's why...

[Harlem Shuffle/The Rolling Stones]
Ja, ja, ja do the Harlem polka.
(Everybody now)
Ja, ja, ja do the Harlem polka.

[Venus/Shocking Blue]
She's got it.  Yeah baby she's got it.
I'm your Venus, I'm your fire,
What's your desire?

[Nasty/Janet Jackson]
Nasty! Nasty boys, don't ever change.
Oh you nasty boys.
Nasty! Nasty boys, don't mean a thing.
Oh you nasty boys.

I like this part.

[Rock Me Amadeus/Falco]
Oooh! Rock me Amadeus.
Oooh! Rock me Amadeus.

[Shout/Tears for Fears]
Shout! Shout! Let it all out.
These are the things I can't do without.
Come on, I'm talking to you.
Come on.

[Papa Don't Preach/Madonna]
Papa don't preach, I've been losing sleep.
Papa don't preach, I'm in trouble deep.
But I've made up my mind,
I'm keeping my baby.
I'm gonna keep my baby.
I'm gonna keep my baby.

 

Here's Johnny
by 'Weird Al' Yankovic

There he goes, he drives me crazy
When he says...(Hee-eere's Johnny!)
That's his job, it's so amazing
All he says is...(Hee-eere's Johnny!)
I never miss a moment when he's on the tube
His being there has made my life worth living
The chills run down my spine
Each time he says that line

"Here's Johnny!" He says, and laughs in his special way
"...Johnny!" he says, you know I love him
"Here's Johnny!" he says, and "second fiddle" is his game
Ed McMahon's his name...all right

Dressed so fine, he's such a cool dude
Hear him say...(Hee-eere's Johnny!)
Watch him selling beer and dog food
Hear him say...(Hee-eere's Johnny!)
I got a letter from him just the other day
He said, "You may already be a winner!"
A trooper to the end
A Clydesdale's best friend

"Here's Johnny!" he says, and laughs in his special way
"...Johnny!" he says, you know I love him
"Here's Johnny!" he says, and that's the way he gets his pay
What a living
Oh...(Here's Johnny!  Here's Johnny!) Wo-o-o, no
(Here's Johnny!  Here's Johnny!) No no no no no no, I don't believe it
(Here's Johnny!) he says, and everytime it's just the same
Ed McMahon's his name

A very special guy...all right
He's on every night
Can't change the channel
When he's sitting on the panel
(Hee-eere's Johnny!)
There he goes, he gives me goose bumps
When he says...(Hey-O-Hey-Hey-O!)

"Here's Johnny!" he says, and laughs in his special way
"...Johnny!" he says, you know I love him
"Here's Johnny!" he says, that seems to be his claim to fame
Ed McMahon's his name

 

Don't Wear Those Shoes
by 'Weird Al' Yankovic

I don't care
If you wreck my car or shave off all my hair
You can go
And run your vacuum during my favorite show
And I'll let you call up folks in Europe you don't even know
Anything you want, babe, if it makes you happy

But I'm begging you down on my bended knees
Oh honey, please don't wear those shoes
You can spend my money, you can waste my time
Baby, I don't mind, but please don't wear those shoes
Don't wear those shoes

It's all right
You can play your Twisted Sister every night
I suppose
You can lick the middles out of my Oreos
Or start laughing while you're drinking milk so it comes out your nose
And you know that I'd do anything to please you

But I'm begging you down on my bended knees
Oh honey, please don't wear those shoes
You can spit in my face if you're so inclined
Baby, I don't mind, but please don't wear those shoes

Oh no, don't wear those shoes
I said, oh no, oh no
Oh no, please don't wear those...

Use my razor to shave your legs or eat crackers in bed
Stomp the poodle till it's flat
You could even shove a six-inch railroad spike through my head
I could learn to live with that

But now I'm begging you down on my bended knees
Oh honey, please don't wear those shoes
You can whip me, beat me, rob me blind
Baby I don't mind, but please don't wear those...

I said, oh no, oh no, oh no, don't wear those shoes
I said, oh no, oh no, oh no, don't wear those shoes

You can scratch up my records, you can drink my booze
But baby, please don't wear those shoes
You can make me an offer I can't refuse
But darling, please don't wear those shoes
You can play your bongos while I'm trying to snooze
But honey, please don't wear those shoes
You can expose yourself on the six o'clock news
But please, please don't wear those shoes

 

Toothless People
by 'Weird Al' Yankovic

They only show you their gums when they smile
Ain't got a tooth in their heads now...how vile
Only can eat things like pudding and applesauce
They never have to buy toothpicks or dental floss

Hey!  Stand up!
Toothless people...their breath is lethal, wanna tell you
Hey...come on!  Stand up...get on your feet!
Toothless people...old and feeble, what I say

No more of those pearly whites will they possess
Their oral hygiene is frightful...a mess
Lots of 'em suffering from trench mouth and gum disease
At least they don't have to worry 'bout cavities

Hey!  Stand up...take out your teeth!
Toothless people...old and feeble, oh yes

You can brush 'em, you can floss 'em
They're something you just can't ignore
If you lose 'em, you're in trouble
'Cause the tooth fairy won't come no more
You need something to show your dentist
The next time he makes you say "ahh..."
You don't wanna have to wind up
Eating all of your food through a straw

Like toothless people
Toothless people...you'd better brush your teeth now
Hey...toothless, toothless, toothless, toothless people

Good Enough for Now
by 'Weird Al' Yankovic

Oh, I couldn't live a single day without you
Actually, on second thought, well, I suppose I could
Anyway, what I'm trying to say is, honey, you're the greatest
Well, at any rate, I guess you're...pretty good

Now, it seems to me I'm relatively lucky
I know I probably couldn't ask for too much more
I honestly can say you're an above-average lady
You're almost just what I've been looking for

You're sort of everything I've ever wanted
You're not perfect, but I love you anyhow
You're the woman that I've always dreamed of
Well, not really...but you're good enough for now

You're pretty close to what I've always hoped for
That's why my love for you is fairly strong
And I swear I'm never gonna leave you, darlin'
At least 'til something better comes along

'Cause you're sort of everything I've ever wanted
You're not perfect, but I love you anyhow
You're the woman that I've always dreamed of
Well, not really...but you're good enough for now
No, not really...but you're good enough for now

 

Christmas at Ground Zero
by 'Weird Al' Yankovic

It's Christmas at Ground Zero
There's music in the air
The sleigh bells are ringin' and the carollers are singin'
While the air raid sirens blare

It's Christmas at Ground Zero
The button has been pressed
The radio just let us know
That "This is not a test..."

Everywhere the atom bombs are droppin'
It's the end of all humanity
No more time for last minute shoppin'
It's time to face your final destiny

Well, it's Christmas at Ground Zero
There's panic in the crowd
We can dodge debris while we trim the tree
Underneath a mushroom cloud

You might hear some reindeer on your rooftop
Or Jack Frost on your windowsill
But if someone's climbin' down your chimney
You better load your gun and shoot to kill

Oh, it's Christmas at Ground Zero
And if the radiation level's okay
I'll go out with you and see the all new
Mutations on New Year's Day

It's Christmas at Ground Zero
Just seconds left to go
I'll duck and cover with my yuletide lover
Underneath the mistletoe
It's Christmas at Ground Zero
Now the missles are on their way
What a crazy fluke we're gonna get nuked
On this jolly holiday
What a crazy fluke we're gonna get nuked
On this jolly holiday